Climbing out of the Hole of Grief

I wrote this the other day on my personal Facebook page and due to the responses I have received I have decided to share it here with some minor editing for privacy purposes: The anniversary of my spouse’s death is coming in fast: this Saturday. I wasn’t going to say anything until the actual day, […]

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The Struggle to be Present

An issue that I have had for a long time (and seems to be getting worse instead of better) is that I struggle to be present. I dissociate pretty easily and I have a hard time pulling myself back into my body and reality. It’s like I leave the building mentally. The lights are on, […]

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I Stopped Looking In The Mirror

I realized today that it’s been an incredibly long time since I genuinely looked at myself in the mirror. I was never one to spend much time in front of a mirror, but I’ve reached pretty epic levels of mirror avoidance. I began to wonder to myself, why did I stop? The answer: Trauma. When […]

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A Year of Transformation

It’s that time of year where I start to look back and reflect on the previous months. It’s so hard to try and put 2020 into coherent words. This year has been particularly intense for myself and the rest of the world. The collective has gone through a trauma together: Covid. Covid has been an […]

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Depressive Episodes

I find myself in the midst of a pretty serious depressive episode. And I find this particular one to be more frustrating than the average depressive episode. This episode is hitting me when things are going well and I do not like that. I find depression easier to cope with, personally, when it’s happening during […]

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Monitoring Progress

So I have some downtime alone today. Not super duper common at this point in time in my life. And I was thinking about this a bit. And I realized: there was a really long time after Matt died where I wasn’t able to spend time alone without being completely consumed by my grief, anxiety, […]

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Emerging From the Dark

It has been a hot minute since I have written anything here. Or written anything at all, for that matter. I haven’t been able to put into words what I have been going through. I haven’t been able to open up about it, either. It’s one part writer’s block and two parts unwilling/unable to show […]

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Depression is a Thief

Something about depression that I don’t think gets discussed enough is how it steals time from you. That’s one of the ways that I can gauge if I’m in a depressive episode or not. When I look down and realize it’s the end of June when in my mind it’s still May, and I’m left […]

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