Since my PTSD made itself known in my life in late November, I have struggled very much with focus, at work in particular. I am a chemist and trying to work at my normal level became an extreme struggle for me. As my PTSD worsened, I was missing more and more work. For weeks now I have been trying so hard to get myself back on task. My employer’s patience will only go so far, I am a contract worker. Thankfully this week I had my most productive week I have had in a while by far. I only got into work for 20 hours, but that’s a huge jump from my measly 13.5 hours last week (ouch, I know). And I was actually PRODUCTIVE. Noticeably getting work done. I put in 7 hours today for the first time since before Christmas. I was averaging 0-4hrs/day for a few weeks there and it was really starting to wear me down. I am so thrilled that I have been able to get myself actually back in the lab and getting some stuff done and at a NORMAL pace, even! The fog that has been plaguing my mind seems to be clearing out slowly but surely. I am ecstatic to be seeing positive results. I have been more present. My humor is slowly coming back into play. I find myself reaching out to my friends and family more simply just to chat or share a funny meme instead of the usual desperate pleas of help from this mental and physical pain. I hope and pray that this trend continues. I want my life back. Well, as much back as possible of course (pardon my grammar).
Published by thebusymindofayoungwidow
My name is Lydia. I am 29 years old, currently living in Minnesota after being widowed suddenly and unexpectedly on 2/6/17. I was born in Seattle in 1991, then moved to Orange County, CA due to my dad's job in 2003. I met my spouse, Matthew, when I was only 16 years old and still struggling to consider California my home, at a 2008 New Years Eve party. As our relationship developed, so did my love for California. He showed me the beauty within the state and life itself. Once I graduated high school in 2009, I did two years at a community college before transferring to University of California San Diego in 2011. I spent three years at UCSD and received a BS in Biochemistry/Chemistry in 2014. During the summer of 2015, Matthew and I decided that if we were ever going to accomplish our life goals, we needed to leave California. After a lot of time and research and job hunting, I landed a job in Phoenix. Matthew and I moved to Phoenix roughly two weeks later, it was December 2015 by this time. Once in Arizona, Matthew struggled to find work and I had a medical condition that was causing severe pain daily, chronically. It became clear that I needed to have surgery in summer of 2016. Matthew was able to find work, and I was able to have my surgery in September of 2016. During my recovery period, I opened up a crochet shop on Etsy called Indoor Cat Crochet. In January of 2017, Matthew and I adopted two cute little ratties named Mimsy and Darla. We were getting to know these little cuties, and I was finally starting to feel well enough to go back to working. Just a few weeks later, I lost my beloved Matthew to a brain bleed that was a direct result of his acute asymptomatic leukemia that we did not even know he had. Suddenly I found my world and its foundation utterly destroyed. My amazing friends and family rallied around me. I went back to California briefly, and then moved in with my amazing sister and her beautiful family in Minnesota. I have been very actively rebuilding my life out here ever since. During all of the insanity over the first year, I had been writing very openly on my Facebook about my journey. I had been receiving positive reviews and had been encouraged by many to create this blog. I chose to do so because I wanted to be part of a narrative that helps western culture learn how to discuss the harder parts of life openly. We have lost the ability to properly cope with adversity because we never talk about when life goes wrong. And I want to be part of the side that changes this. View all posts by thebusymindofayoungwidow