So let’s talk PTSD and triggers for a second here.

Battling both grief and PTSD at the same time causes me to have quite a few triggers. I didn’t even know I had PTSD until sometime in November, when it got initially triggered, or turned on as I say. And it’s been a battle ever since.

Because I am so early in this journey, I don’t know what my triggers are yet. It could be a song, something someone said, a visual, anything. Sometimes my PTSD doesn’t even have an obvious trigger, and I just have flashbacks pop in and say “surprise!” and those obviously set me off. Those seem to be clearing up at this point, though.

For those who don’t know: once I am triggered I basically turn into a monster of a human. Everything becomes too much for me to handle and I become really angry and get over stimulated. And I get caught in these really toxic, negative thoughts and it’s a hideous cycle that can sometimes be a huge challenge to break out of. I often lash out and create conflict that doesn’t even exist. And then at some point my body and mind do calm down (I think really I just straight shut down and disassociate), then I forget the majority of what even happened, and get flooded with guilt for lashing out to those who I care most about.

This is honestly such a hideous part of my process and by far the most challenging. I so badly want to be more stable. I don’t want to have to worry about getting set off at any given moment.

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