Lately, I monitor my emotional symptoms on sort of a weekly basis. Mostly to keep track of how each week goes between therapy sessions to keep my therapist in the loop as best as possible. I am currently in a phase where internally there has been so much progress. But that shift has not fully presented itself yet externally. And progress is not always obvious; it can be hard to realize it was there the whole time.
This past week, I had a lot of fairly extreme peaks and valleys. And it can be really easy to slip into thinking that I am not making progress because of how deep and jagged the valleys were. However, compared to previous weeks I have vastly improved because my time spent in the valley is less, and there were actually some great peaks that happened where I was genuinely content in that moment and actually okay with the new life that I have been forced into. I often forget to appreciate the good parts of my new life because it was not what I expected. I took a turn in life that I could not have ever anticipated. No one thinks that their healthy, active, 29 year old spouse is going to die suddenly and unexpectedly. You have no way of anticipating it or preparing for it. It was not an option that existed in my mind.
But it has been just shy of a year since we lost Matthew and I have sculpted an entirely new life for myself. I moved to a new state, got a new job, developed an entirely new social life, explored life both externally and internally, everything. I need to remind myself how far I have come, and how extensive some of these obstacles really were. I built a completely new life basically from scratch, all while grieving intensely for the man I loved with my entire being.
The amount of transformation that has happened over the past year is honestly hard to fathom. My mind is still catching up to real time. I am still processing my loss, and all of the changes in my life. And there is still so much to do. But for once that feels far less daunting than usual. I can do this.