A very common theme for me of late is trying to accept my reality and accept Matt’s death. That is technically a stage of grief, but I don’t like referring to it in that way because it has implications of a linearity that does not exist in real life. I cycle in and out of each of the various “stages” of grief throughout any given amount of time.
Since Matt died so suddenly and unexpectedly, I was in shock for a long time (and I think there is still some of this shock lingering around). I was very shut down, sort of floating through time and space and slightly resembling a functional human. With time, the shock wears off more and more. And with each layer of shock that is removed, a new wave of pain hits me. I am facing a reality that does not have Matt physically present in it, and my brain is really struggling to comprehend this information. It is as if I cannot compute that there can be an existence without him.
I realized this week that I am doing something that I had done when I first moved to Minnesota, but this time toward my life as a whole. When I first moved here, I hated it. I hated every possible thing about Minnesota. But eventually realized that I didn’t actually hate Minnesota, I just hated the fact that I moved here due to really unfortunate circumstances. So, I chose not to project my pain at Minnesota and opened up my heart to allow myself to love it here. And I love it here now (even if winter sucks, Minnesota is still a really cool place and I love it).
I have been resenting my new life simply because it was not what I had in mind, and I am rejecting everything because I am being childish and throwing a hissy fit over the fact that my life is not following the path I had spent so many hours carving out over the span of my lifetime. I have been picked up from this path and thrown into a heavily weeded, thick forest. However! I want to wake up and acknowledge that I have also been afforded the tools and help necessary to carve out a new path, perhaps even a better path for all I know. No one wants their life to be better without their loved one, but if you have the opportunity to more or less start your life over from scratch, why not seize the opportunity in its entirety and create something better than you ever thought possible? I get to carve a new path, but with more experience and knowledge on paths than when I created that first path. I can apply this knowledge and use it to learn, grow, and create something marvelous.
I need to try to train my brain to accept what happened. If I am ever going to truly move forward, I need to accept that no matter how badly I want him here, he is gone from this Earth, and I am not. I need to nurture myself and my life while I am still here. I cannot let this ruin me. I cannot.