One year ago today was the worst day of my life hands down, no question. Prior to losing my beloved Matthew, I would not have been able to think of the single worst day of my life. Now? I don’t even have to think twice. Losing Matthew was the worst day ever for many of us.
Matt was such a beautiful soul. He managed to retain that child-like wonderment of the world into adulthood, but also was a responsible adult when needed. His personality was so beautifully unique and silly. He brought so much joy into my life. He helped me grow in so many ways. He saved me from myself in a lot of ways, too. He was so good at getting me outside of those negative, circular thoughts I would get. He showed me how beautiful the world is, and how good it feels to stay in touch with your inner child.
Matthew was a selfless person. After his death, I went to his computer to access his “Life” file that I knew had important info. I had never looked at said document before because it was his and it was private. This document was essentially Matt’s journal in a way. In one of the sections, he had quotes and ideas to inspire him. Most of which involved doing things for those he loved. He literally had a note to get “healthy” (I put that in quotes because he was healthy, just didn’t have great eating habits) so he could outlive me and not leave me alone. He even had a whole section just about me with a list of my allergies and conditions in case of emergency to give to a hospital if needed (for those of you who don’t know, I am chronically ill. Nothing life threatening, it is all just painful or inconvenient). He even had a note to ask me what my fairytale ending in life would be. He had a list of gift ideas for anyone that he cared about. So much in there about his family and friends and how he could be good to them and improve their lives. Also he noted ways in which he was inspired by his loved ones, and how he could try to adopt other people’s positive thoughts or traits. His loved ones were his entire world.
He was so smart. I remember when I first met him I was really intimidated because his vocabulary was larger than mine and he was clearly so brilliant. He never saw that in himself which breaks my heart. Matt knew he was intelligent, but he definitely did not grasp what level he was on. He always felt he could do better. Always striving to be worthy, in a sense.
Matthew and I were a team. We were able to get through anything as long as we had each other. Our love for one another knew no boundaries. I remember he used to always say that he didn’t think he would live to be older than 50, and I got so mad at him and say that wasn’t enough time with him. And now, god I would give anything to see him live that long and get those years with him. But that isn’t how life works.
I continue to try to honor Matthew and what we had as best as I can. I spend each day trying to cope and heal with this major loss and all of the major changes and losses that have occurred between then and now. I try to find strength in him and his love for me even if he is no longer here on the physical plane. I hold him so tightly in my heart, probably too tightly. I cling so desperately to what we had and what he means to me. To love deeply means to hurt deeply. And I would never change that for anything. To feel such a special and beautiful love at such a young age? That is priceless and I will always treasure that.
Matthew, I miss you so much. I wish every day that this never happened. But I am doing what I can to accept my circumstances and make the most out of this life that remains for me. I hope I am making you proud my cutie booty. I love you.