I feel as if I am in the middle of a very large and important transition phase. And I have been really struggling to put what I am currently going through into words, let alone words that are sensible and somewhat coherent. But I am going to try, because the transition phases are such an important part of the process.
When I broke, I was left in a deep fog. I have discussed this and don’t need to go into detail; the fog is lifting. But now, I feel like I’m just kind of trekking along, continuing to focus on my mental health and trying to rebuild my mental and physical stamina in terms of my job. I have slowed down in a lot of ways, finally allowing myself to catch up in a sense. I have accepted the fact that my energy levels are not that of an average person. I have been through a lot of physical and emotional stress over the last two years and it has taken a toll. With the help of my therapist, I am learning how to be kind to myself and set realistic expectations. I need to allow myself time to regroup and regrow.
I went to therapy for my grief and trauma, but now find myself addressing issues that have plagued me for my entire life. And I have had to adjust my personal views accordingly in a lot of different ways. The last year or so has shown me so much about life, and now I’m trying to process it all. I am working extremely hard to build myself a suitable, sturdy foundation within my heart-house analogy. But because of all of this, my mind is on overload the majority of the time. I am constantly thinking about my past, present, and potential future and questioning everything and what it all means. I have to speak my current task to myself out loud to make sure I don’t forget what I am doing or instantly get lost in thought. It’s really dysfunctional and downright annoying to myself and those around me I’m sure. I am filled with a chaotic energy. My playful side is starting to see the light and wants to come out to play. But the clouds haven’t completely cleared yet, and those shadows that remain must be addressed. It’s so hard to find that balance. It’s almost as if I have to bargain with my inner child. Yes, we can play for a little bit, but we still have homework to do!
I constantly worry if I am doing the right thing. I am in such a unique situation, being given a blank slate before I really had set a real foundation for myself in life. What is a person to do with such an opportunity? Especially when it was presented to me in such a painful way. It was forced upon me. I am learning, growing, and adapting in ways that I never could have imagined when everything first happened. My curious side cannot help but wonder what other crazy rides and journeys I will find myself on in the future. But one thing I do know is: I know I can get through whatever life throws at me. I am simply too stubborn to let life win that easily.