Despite the leaps and bounds of progress that I have made of late, I am still very day to day. What do I mean by this? I can’t tell what I can or cannot handle until I am on that day, in that moment. How I will respond to my environment still varies wildly. The only thing that has changed is my ability to cope with the instability of my own thoughts and emotions.
Some days, like today, I wake up so extremely fatigued, depressed, and anxious. I’m just off for the entire day. There are moments of clarity and “peace” for lack of a better word, but overall I am very on edge and feel like I can break at any given second. I get extremely irritable and find everything and everyone intolerable. And then I get frustrated at my inability to reign it all in and get it under control. It can become a really vicious cycle sometimes.
I have had to push myself far outside of my comfort zone at work of late, which overall is good and very important to me, but it’s starting to take a toll and I am concerned. Having spent the last few months in a low, the potential of falling back into that space again is terrifying. And there’s also the fear of finding a deeper or stickier low that is harder to pull out of. So when I start to see those warning signs, it’s really hard to not shut down and panic.
Or there’s days like yesterday. Where I start strong, and even have a good day. But then I come across something that just sets me off and I overreact or fall into a panic. It could be as small as a simple word or phrase to an adrenaline rush from a close call on the icy roads of Minnesota. My PTSD and grief and all that fun mental health stuff stretches me very thin and I wear out easily, my therapist refers to it as my window of tolerance. If I go too far outside of my window of tolerance, I end up in a very agitated, panicked state. And the size of my window of tolerance varies day to day. It can be really defeating at times. I’m used to being dependable. I’m used to being productive and reliable at work. I’m used to being pretty flexible and laid back. I feel so harsh and toxic sometimes now. I’m so volatile and unpredictable, it makes me uneasy and I assume it makes those in my inner circle uneasy as well. I’m a wild card in how I respond to stimuli. So then I have the urge to shut myself out for fear of lashing out at my loved ones or consistently causing them stress. I don’t shut them out though, mostly because I only know how to process these emotions through dialogue.
I’m glad that I’m better able to handle these ups and downs, but it would be really nice to reach the point in which I don’t feel an obscene amount of extreme emotions and fatigue on a daily basis. It can be hard to retain resiliency and strength. I so deeply crave balance and stability.