Struggling to Find Balance

The last week or two, I have been having a rough time. I have been hit with some stress that is unrelated to grief or PTSD. Which was honestly an odd sensation? For so long, my main stress was my grief, PTSD, and the struggle to try to keep rebuilding my life. I didn’t have the energy for other stressors, I just completely ignored them or was unfazed because I knew I had bigger problems to handle and other stuff just didn’t matter as much.

But as I continue to put my life back together, it’s natural that other stressors would begin to present themselves. I felt incapable of dealing with an outside stress, though. It wasn’t the type of stress where I could say, “this comes with the territory and will pass, you’re doing the right steps to heal.” Instead, it was a stressor that needed to be directly addressed and I needed to find a way to handle it. I had to find a way to ride it out and make it smooth over as much as possible. I’m not going to be talking about the situation directly, it’s irrelevant and unimportant here. Despite having a pretty open and public blog, I do have aspects of my life that I find important to keep to myself, especially since it sometimes involves other people in my life.

Anyway, the outside stress combined with the insane weather we are getting lately is causing my chronic health problems to flare up. Which means I’m in a lot of pain and have even more fatigue than I already experience from my grief and PTSD. And it seems to heighten my emotions; I feel like such a dysfunctional mess. I still struggle with focus, the ability to process incoming information sometimes, and my short term memory continues to be abysmal. And I get so defeated over how far I still have to go. I get tired of fighting. I get mad that I have to fight so hard for so long just to find some semblance of normal. It can be really easy to slip into the victim mentality.

I always wonder how my age affects my ability to process and cope with everything. Being only 26, I have very little experience with loss prior to this and everyone that I had known to die prior to this was either of an “appropriate” age for death, or was someone I had just known in passing. I didn’t have any major losses before. And then I got hit with the biggest one I could imagine. Out of no where. And to top that off, I was in the middle of a major life rebuild anyway when this all happened. So my already shaky foundation was completely obliterated. Out of no where. I found myself lost, my entire future destroyed in one day.

I have come so far in these past 13 months. Yes, I sometimes still struggle a lot. But I still keep pushing forward. And I will continue to push myself forward. My ambition thankfully did not die with Matthew. And I feel myself attempting to have that focus that I am used to having. Which is a source of frustration in itself. Emotionally I feel ready for a big surge forward right now. But physically and mentally I am still recovering from my metaphorical/mental injuries. And my body is mad that I keep trying to push forward anyway. I am struggling to find a healthy balance. It’s really hard to tell if you’re pushing yourself enough, the right amount, or too much.

I am processing a lot of grief right now. I have started the process of finally going through my belongings and getting rid of things that I no longer need, a lot of which belonged to Matthew. I’m dealing with massive amounts of intense emotional release from this. The process itself is so painful, challenging, and heavy. But this is important. It is time for decluttering. It is time for clarity and focus. It is time to keep moving forward. I cannot carry my entire past forward with me. I can cherish my past but let the unnecessary parts go. Not to mention items are not my past. The memories and the moments, that’s what matters.

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