[this is notably longer than usual, just a heads up]
I have finally had a much-needed breakthrough. For the last few weeks, I have felt very emotionally stuck and overwhelmed. My mind was trying to solve every single problem I have all at once. I was becoming impatient with the process. I was so desperate for some sort of relief that I was becoming frantic, which honestly made things exponentially worse at an alarming rate. I was terrified that I was going to have another mental breakdown and that I was going to have to start from scratch again. On top of that, I was dealing with a lot of physical pain and everything that comes with that. It felt like too much, I felt that I was drowning.
So on Monday I went to a new general doctor. My physical health issues had reached the point where I was willing to expend the necessary energy to find a new doctor (the first doctor that I found here was in over her head with me, no fault to her… I am complicated and demanding when it comes to my health), make an appointment, and deal with having to give the entire medical and relevant personal history to this poor person and ask them to address multiple issues that I have allowed to pile up over the months. And also make a phone call. Those are usually a huge anxiety trigger for me. Thankfully, I seem to be growing out of that.
I managed to quickly find someone who is highly reviewed and looked like a good fit for my health problems. Shockingly I was able to make an appointment quickly (I called on the previous Thursday). And she was amazing. I am still totally blown away by this woman. She instantly understood where I was coming from, and how my being a chemist means I like to know why things do what they do, and I like knowing and understanding everything as much as possible. So she went very in depth with me. And she met me with compassion and understanding. She didn’t blame all of my fatigue on the stress like most doctors have since Matt died. She listened when I said my fatigue lately has been reminiscent of when I was malnourished in college. So we had some blood work done. And yeah, totally makes sense that I am feeling more fatigued and depressed than usual! A couple vitamins will be added into my daily routine and I should see some improvement. She was also very familiar with my existing problems, and took those into consideration as well in all of her decisions. She genuinely looked at the whole picture. She also suggested I see a psychiatrist to figure out how to best manage my acute anxiety/panic attacks. She helped me choose one that should be a better fit than the first one I went to. Again, I am very high maintenance and demanding when it comes to this stuff. I don’t like complacency and I don’t like extreme medication regimens. I am very physically sensitive to medications and I am a very emotional person who doesn’t like being be treated like I am just a walking mental illness. I am a human with human feelings and emotions. I can tell when my medical professionals care or not. That’s the beauty of being a highly sensitive person. I am extremely empathetic to the point of dysfunctional. I can also tell when my medical professionals are blowing me off, and sometimes I can even tell why they aren’t taking me seriously and this often leads to extreme anger and frustration on my end. So to find a doctor who so quickly was able to understand me and my needs, I am so relieved. That is an enormous weight off of my shoulders. And the first time in a while where I was pleasantly surprised by the outcome of something in my life.
Then, yesterday, I had a normal day. I went to work and worked a full and productive day, then had a cozy night in. The whole day I was waiting for something to set me off, or my focus to wane, anything. I could not tell you the last time I had a typical, average day. I have had good days, don’t worry. I’m not saying it’s just one bad day after another (although lately it’s been particularly rough). But I haven’t had a normal – or maybe the better word is routine – day in forever. It felt weird! And I realized I have no idea what “normal” even looks like anymore. I’m glad to figure that out, though.
Since I had such a calm day yesterday, I actually had the focus to be able to work on some of my meditation/reiki work. I know this stuff isn’t for everyone, but it is so monumental in my life. I meditate daily, but lately I struggle to really dig in, my mind is too cloudy. But yesterday? I had such a powerful moment. To backtrack for a second here, remember that I have described my trauma in the past as these black, thick, thorny vines intermingled all throughout my energetic body.
Yesterday, that manifested itself as dense energy that felt a little loose, or at least I felt I could work with it for once. So I grabbed deep in and began to “pull” on it, and so much started pouring out. I couldn’t even get a feel for what it looked or felt like. It was thick and black. And it seemed both fluid and like a thick smoke or fog, but none of it was solid like before. I began to realize that it was more than one type of negative energy that had been stored in my body. And it was as if I had opened the flood gates and everything came out. It was an incredible and healing moment. I put in effort to make sure the spaces that had been previously occupied with this negative energy were now filled with positive, healing energy. And today I feel so much lighter.
I have been given a glimpse of normalcy and now I know I can eventually get to a place where it doesn’t feel unusual to not be melting down. I know I will find eventual comfort and stability. My current struggle will become a memory. And I know I will look back and see such tremendous growth on my end. And I know I am going to come out a much better version of myself after this. I simply must accept that I am in this new life and make it the best life I can for myself. I can tell that this new life is full of limitless potential. I am still in my youth, my life is not over.