This weekend, I went to an energy healing class to learn a new technique. I can’t remember if I mentioned before, but I am trained/attuned to level II reiki and have been trying to learn more and more about energy healing.
Prior to Matt’s death, I was always intrigued by that side of life and wanted to learn more about it. I have been meditating pretty regularly since the age of 18 and have learned a lot about the emotional and energetic body through that. Once Matt died, I went to energy/reiki healers to try to cover my ground in my healing process. I approached this as wanting to heal on all levels from what happened: adjust to the physical changes (meaning his physical absence and moving to a new state), rebuild my life, build new friendships, form new relationships, take care of my physical and mental health, and make sure that my soul stayed in tact from this. I wanted to heal from this as much as I could so I could truly honor Matt and myself and find happiness in my lifetime. Find my happy ending for myself since he is no longer here to help me get there.
But once I started working with these amazing healers, it became clear that I am a healer myself. And I explored that, since I was exploring who the fuck I am without Matthew by my side, anyway. And it kept opening up more and more doors into my healing path. And then I got lost in my grief and PTSD. I was completely broken and aimless. I wasn’t even able to really respond much to reiki energy, I was trapped in the darkness.
This class that I took could not have come at a better time. It’s right when I’m finally ready to step back into my healing and come out of this hole that my depression and PTSD dug. I am ready to face the world independently and start to really process Matt’s death and everything that has happened since.
Throughout the weekend I was able to work through a lot of blocks. Each one a deeper and more healing to release than the last. I had one of the most raw, intense moments of my life today and it was honestly so healing. It was at the very end of my energy healing course, I ended up breaking through a huge block that I didn’t even know I had, and got so overwhelmed with peace, relief, and acceptance that I started sobbing and let go of so much of the pain and struggle from the last 14+ months. My teacher and fellow classmates simply held space for me so I could have this release and I can’t even begin to describe what it is like to receive that level of genuine and love and support from people I just met in one of the most vulnerable places of my life. I managed to be with a group of people who were willing to let me simply grieve and let some of that pain flow through me and be released. And it was so a profound, life altering moment for me. To experience this level of compassion.
The path to healing after loss is messy, confusing, and challenging to say the least. But the level of healing and growth that can happen through this process is overwhelming. I have learned so much about myself and about life through all of this. I would give anything to have Matthew here with us on the physical plane, but I can’t have that. So I might as well do the next best thing and make my life as beautiful and fulfilling as I can and carry him alongside in my heart and soul.