My life continues to hold the theme of massive transition and change in a short period of time. Yesterday, I was approved for my own studio! Which is so exciting to me I can’t even begin to tell you. Getting to that point though was extremely stressful for me and I am really feeling it today. I’ll explain further because I want to take the time to show what my thought process is like to show people what it can really be like to be handling widowhood and mental illness.
I viewed the apartment on Friday the 13th (spooky day!) and I really loved it, but chose to consult with my family first before submitting the application because I don’t wholly trust my own judgement right now and this was not the only place that I was considering to live. All of Friday my anxiety levels were so high both from the prospect of moving, doing this all myself (I went alone and handled it all independently which is new for me), and because a damn blizzard was coming. I decided after talking to my family that I would apply for the apartment. Then I found out that the application has to be submitted in person. So I chose to wake up early that Saturday, drive in the snow, and submit the application because I could not handle taking the risk of waiting until Monday and having someone else beat me to the punch. I often feel that things are extremely urgent since Matthew died. It felt so urgent that I felt as if I was screwing myself over by waiting until the next morning to put in the application, for fear of someone getting to the office before me despite having the last viewing of the day and it was snowing so heavily that most cars could not drive (currently grateful for my RAV4).
Then it was the waiting game. I was able to semi track their progress, at least. I knew when they had checked my credit, I knew when they contacted my family to confirm that I lived there when I said I did, and my boss was kind enough to let me know when they had contacted her to confirm that I was honest about my income. That was all covered by Thursday evening. Friday, I was at my healing class the whole day, so opted to not contact the apartment and give them time to process the application. All while waiting, fearing that I somehow put down wrong information and having them cancel my application or something of that nature.
I still hadn’t heard from them by Saturday afternoon, so I called. Which in itself was terrifying for me. I had the fear that I would call and they would tell me that I have been denied. And my mind is not rational, so if I had been denied my mind would’ve viewed this as a death sentence even though I had a WONDERFUL second choice that was only second choice due to the fact that it isn’t available until June 1st and I want to just get this done so I can feel safe, secure, and grounded again. When I contacted on Saturday, they had been held up by my previous apartment that I lived in with Matt. So I had to call them to see what the deal was and there was some phone tag involved and the whole time I’m thinking that they will cancel the application because this is taking too long. It had been a week!
I receive a call from them on Monday saying they still haven’t heard back from my apartment in Arizona. At this point I am so anxious that I just get furious that my apartment complex in Arizona hasn’t handled this yet. And the thought of having someone else jeopardize my application was not something that I was going to allow. I was so done with having little to no control over my life. So I called them and made it very clear that this is an urgent thing. I remained polite, don’t worry. My manners managed to stay in tact. So, by Monday afternoon I knew that this apartment complex had all of my information because I had called to confirm that everything was clear and done on my end. They told me I would either hear that day or early Tuesday if it was accepted.
So the rest of Monday passes and there is no call. As a result, I spent all of Monday night feeling so incredibly anxious, I was shaking and had to take my meds to calm down. The longer this process took, the more time my *very active* imagination had to come up with devastating scenarios. And then I would have to counter these scenarios with positive thoughts and imagining the good scenario to play out, as well. I couldn’t allow myself to think negatively and it turned into a very tiring battle of back and forth in my own mind.
Tuesday I was so anxious to hear back that I couldn’t even go into work. The thought of having to be functional around people I respect was so repulsive to me that it caused an almost gag-like reaction within my body. So, I aimed to get myself calmed down enough to get in for a half day. For the rest of the morning, I ended up going to Minnehaha Falls to try and relax and enjoy the “warm” weather that has finally come our way. Spending time in nature and outdoors helps me a lot. And it was peaceful enough that I was able to do some self practice on the new energy technique that I learned last weekend in an added attempt to calm my nerves. And I walked around to get my body going, too. These were all calculated thoughts and actions on my part to try and quiet the anxiety until I heard from the apartment complex. Because if it had gotten any louder it would have lead to a full blown panic attack and I don’t recover well from those and then the whole day would be shot.
As I was leaving the falls (because I realized the 1 hour of parking that I paid for was up), they called me. But I didn’t know because my phone was in my pocket and I was panicking to get to my car because the last thing I want to deal with right now is a parking ticket. I get into my car and see that I have a missed call and voicemail. Cue major anxiety! Anxiety is so ridiculous that it even crossed my mind that they would take away an acceptance because I hadn’t answered the phone (mind you, only a few minutes had passed). So I shakily managed to get to the voicemail section on my phone. And thankfully, they said in the message that my application was accepted and to call back to set up a time to sign the lease. I allow myself a 30 second freakout, pull myself together, and call them back and just go straight from the falls to sign the lease so I can move on with my life. Signing that lease felt so good. But that sadly only lasted for a bit because I went to work, decided to be productive with the day and get into the lab, and immediately started planning for the actual move.
It was like I was moving in fast forward. I was getting a mix done in the lab while also making phone calls to set up the electricity, the WiFi, and hiring movers. All while texting friends and family to tell them my exciting news and telling everyone what my next steps are and all that. I had such a hard time settling down once I was in for the night that I was still planning how the day will go in my mind, trying to figure out a few logistics with my sister, and started looking for a cat online even though I can’t get one quite yet.
Today, I’m highly emotional and so drained. But I did get to therapy and that gave me a good boost in my mood. And I got to work and went straight into a meeting and ran around the whole day while getting upset about things that don’t really matter such as plans changing. I still have a lot of anxious energy, so I chose to write. Both this blog and something else that I happen to be working on. Hopefully soon, this busy mind of mine will settle down a bit so I can relax and enjoy how far I have come in this process.