Grief is Sneaky

I have been really emotional since signing my lease. And it took me a while to figure out why. And it’s a lot.

First, Tuesday was the one year anniversary of my grandma dying. I didn’t register the date on the actual day, but my body certainly did. Especially the day after. I didn’t even consciously realize it until this morning and I am so mad at myself for that. I literally have the date tattooed on the back of my neck, and it didn’t cross my mind at all because I was so wrapped up in the anxiety of signing my lease. I still haven’t even come close to actually grieving my grandma. I can’t seem to get it to open, I am too overwhelmed in my grief for Matthew and the chaos of my life without him. I hate this feeling on so many levels.

Then, there’s the lease. It stirred up a lot for me. The last time I was signing a lease to an apartment was with Matt when we moved to Arizona. It was an exciting time where we were starting a new chapter in life and really starting our life together. I was filled with so much hope, optimism, and plans for the future. And now I’m here, signing a lease, completely alone. Again, starting a new chapter in life but I don’t have my beloved, most trusted and best friend, and love by my side. I’m stuck flying solo out here. I am starting a new chapter in my life, with a future that contains too many possibilities to even comprehend. I have absolutely no idea what this next chapter in my life is going to look like. I have been bouncing around for so long and have been purely in survival mode and I now need to take the time to figure out what the fuck my life even is anymore. I need to find myself.

My life is full of so many unknowns right now. And I’m facing this on a shaky foundation. I am genuinely terrified to be optimistic about my future. After everything I have been through, I fear what is left for me to face. What battles are ahead of me? Can I handle them? I have been so weakened by this last battle. I must tend to my wounds. I feel like prey who just escaped the clutches of a wolf, but wasn’t able to get far and remain in grave danger.

I am also aware that my life is full of potential and promise. And I hope and pray that I will be able to feel happiness again. I have not been genuinely happy since Matt’s death. I want to find happiness again. And I want to find it within myself. I want to find peace and balance. I want to really build my foundation properly this time. I want my foundation to be able to withstand years of wear and tear. I hope I can do this.

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