15 months ago today, I lost the love of my life. And it was hitting me before I even realized what day it was, today. And it’s hitting me with an intensity that I did not anticipate. It took all of the air out of me.
The grief is just compounding on me endlessly at the moment. I’m grieving because I’m living alone now. I am grieving because I’m able to have a pet cat now (but also so excited and so in love with my new cat Silly Sally). I am grieving because 15 months ago, my life changed forever in the worst possible way. And I feel the weight of the endless struggle of trying to survive and grow without Matthew here. And I feel like I am failing him, and that I am failing everyone.
To top everything off, my birthday is at the end of the month. This will be my second birthday without him. I can’t fathom this. This simply cannot be my reality. I have never been a huge fan of my birthday as an adult. But Matthew always made it special anyway to spite me and would give me the most thoughtful, special gifts. He showered me with love, appreciation, and affection. He made me feel so special, and worthy. And now he’s gone and I’m just so lost without him here to ground me and hold me up when I need a boost.
I am trying so desperately to find my footing, here. I’m trying so hard to do all of the right things. I’m trying to build myself a sturdy foundation. I so desperately crave stability. I crave feeling genuinely content. Where it isn’t unnatural or confusing or feeling icky. Really, I want to feel content and not have to fear how long it’ll last before the grief and depression creep back in and take over once again. It sometimes feels as if I am unable to resonate with those positive emotions no matter how hard I try.
I spend so much energy trying to heal, grow, and release the pain and not let it weigh me down. Yet here I am, trapped under the weight of it all, barely able to breathe. I want to feel joy again on a regular basis. How long is this going to affect me? Am I ever going to feel “normal” again? I’m so exhausted swinging back and forth between so many intense emotions. In one day I can feel intense anger, sadness, joy, triumph, fear, overwhelmed, everything. Cycling through many emotions, feeling all with an intensity that is too much for me to bare.
The intensity in which I have grieved my old life this weekend has taken a toll on me. I feel deflated. I have accomplished so much over this last month or so, can I please just feel the joy and celebration of my efforts? I’m finally standing up and trying to take my life back from this depression and it’s battling me so hard. It has switched into boss mode. And I’m coming in, health low, very limited resources. I hope I can get through this.