I feel like the process of rebuilding my life seems to happen in waves, or cycles. I don’t like using the term steps, steps indicates that it’s all a forward motion and that isn’t the case. Remember, healing and rebuilding is not a linear process. That last sentence was more for myself than anyone.
I have been working very hard to continue getting my life and my mind more stable. Lately I haven’t had the energy or focus to write, but the work is still happening. Sometimes it’s simply impossible to put what I’m going through into words until I’m through it. When I’m wedged in the middle of a problem that I’m working through, I don’t always know what to say about it because I’m just circling around whatever the issue is in my mind, over and over, but not necessarily getting anywhere with it or coming up with anything tangible that I could sensibly talk about.
I have improved in a lot of ways of late, I do hope I can keep this trend going and continue to build momentum. I rarely have epic meltdowns anymore (I’m talking curled in a ball sobbing on the floor epic meltdowns here, folks). I have done a better job of allowing room for happiness in my life instead of festering in the negative. I have been working so hard on the negative, cyclical thoughts that PTSD is kind enough to throw my way on a regular basis.
PTSD is such a fucking battle. It doesn’t care if things are going well for you. It often tries to convince me that all of the good things will be taken away from me. I often see the PTSD within my mind as this sort of thick, dense, dark sand that’s blowing through the air and I’m trying to grab it to get rid of it, but there’s nothing to actually grab on to. It is elusive and sneaky. But I just keep battling on, knowing that with time the PTSD becomes weaker and I become more equipped to handle it and tame it. PTSD is one of those things that never completely goes away, but I do know that if I keep putting in the work it will lose its stranglehold on my life and I will regain control.
For perspective, when I first started EMDR, I was having panic attacks and anxiety attacks almost every day. I was having flashbacks regularly and could hardly eat or sleep. Now, I almost never have flashbacks. I have had maybe two panic attacks in the last month or so, which is significant improvement. My sleep is managed. I spend less of my day anxious or triggered. I am improving. I am learning to be better about my inner dialogue and being more compassionate and gentle with myself. I’m allowing myself space to work through the mess which is not pretty, but will be worth it in the end. This is a fight to win my life back and I simply will not give up that fight.