Today I have felt so many different emotions, it’s all over the map and extremely rapid. I am a weird combination of clear/lucid along with feeling like it’s hard to pin my thoughts down. I’m physically and emotionally exhausted. Excited and defeated. Feeling hopelessly trapped but also feeling like I’m running down the path to freedom, what that looks like in the end I am not sure.
I feel grateful. I feel hopeless. I feel loved, but I also feel distant, absent, and sometimes wholly unworthy of the love that exists in my life (this is actually a very common and frequent theme for me). My anxiety is through the roof and I keep doubting myself at every turn. I feel so creatively inspired but don’t necessarily have the means to express said creativity. I feel burnt out, beaten, and battered. But have this lingering feeling of excitement and knowing that I’m trending in the right direction.
My moods are tugging me in every direction and I am trying really hard to just hold on for the ride and I keep reminding myself over and over that this will get better with time. Allow time and space for healing. Allow space for growth. Let abundance in.
I often get caught in the trap of my negative thoughts. They tear me down and I begin to feel like I don’t deserve to have my life improve. Or I believe the lie that I can’t do it, I’ll always fail and never succeed. It’s so frustrating that I believe that lie, I almost always accomplish my goals to some extent or another.
So my focus lately has been working on rerouting those negative thoughts into positive ones. Teach my inner voice to be more kind, gentle, reasonable, and optimistic. Because right now nothing is ever enough, there’s no patience, and it’s just plain destructive and not helpful. I need to fight the source, so to speak.
I’m working to declutter both my outer world and my inner world. Make space for the positive. Allow room to breathe. I need to make it possible for myself to genuinely relax and recharge. My mind almost never allows that luxury, and I need to do something to remedy this so I can function better than I am now.
Sometimes I force myself to look back to see how far I have come. But that also forces you to face your lowest points head on and that can be a really harsh reminder. And the fear of falling back to the bottom of the pit lingers in the back of my mind regularly. The fear of losing everything again. But then I gently remind myself that I cannot and will not live a fear-based existence. I will continue to press forward and I will continue to push myself to grow and heal. I know with time I can reach the emotional stability that I am so desperately craving. I will always have to battle the anxiety, depression, PTSD, and grief to some extent. But I know with time I will continue to grow and they will continue to lose momentum and power.