Trying to Embrace the New

The theme of major transition continues for me. This time, I am being dealt a positive transition.

I have landed a new job. It’s exactly what I was looking for. This is also my first full time, permanent position since graduating college. I haven’t had a ton of work experience since finishing school back in 2014. My career has been slowed down by my moving to different states, physical health issues, more moving, the death of Matthew, and my mental health struggles since losing him.

This is also the first time that I’m not having a notable gap between jobs. And this job came just in time. I was offered this position at 4:00pm on my last day at my previous job (it was a contract position and I wanted to move on and I think they also wanted me to move on, my last job just wasn’t a match for me).

This will be my first time working full time since my PTSD diagnosis. After the struggles I faced at my previous position, I am very nervous to start this new endeavor. But I am reminding myself that I took the time and effort to find a company and a position that will be more suited to my strengths and my needs.

I am excited for this next chapter in my life. I am ready for the routine and normalcy that will come with this change. I feel ready to become a fully productive member of a lab again. I am a chemist for those of you who don’t know.

But I also find myself in complete shock that I have finally achieved this goal. I am so used to stressing about what I will do for my next job, what will happen in a year when my contract is up, so on and so forth. I am struggling with allowing myself to simply bask in the good. I keep waiting for it to all fall apart somehow.

I have been striving for something like this since before Matt died. And attaining this goal in his absence has stirred up a ton of grief for me. Yesterday being the 19 month mark definitely didn’t help. Matthew helped me stay focused and driven to get through college. He was by my side through all of the trials and tribulations that came with trying to get a foot in the door in my field. And he was there for me when I had to step away from work to have surgery two years ago. Now I have finally reached this goal and it hurts my heart that he is not here to share it with.

In his absence my friends and family have been so incredibly supportive. They cheer me on and they are genuinely happy for me and my success that I have managed to achieve amidst the loss and the pain. I am so grateful to have such an incredible support system and I get overwhelmed by the amount of love that exists in my life, and sometimes I feel so wholly unworthy of this amount of love and support. But I keep trying to see myself through his eyes and find my worth.

I am trying to embrace this new, exciting change. This is one of the final pieces of the puzzle that is putting my life back together after this loss. Why is it so hard for me to accept that this is real and that I have earned this?

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