So I have some downtime alone today. Not super duper common at this point in time in my life. And I was thinking about this a bit. And I realized: there was a really long time after Matt died where I wasn’t able to spend time alone without being completely consumed by my grief, anxiety, and panic. Within an hour I would at the very least be crying. If I was alone for hours at a time, it would 9 times out of 10 result in a panic attack, or PTSD episode of some nature that ended in me having to take Xanax and going to sleep.
I was so entirely consumed by the loss and the trauma of the loss. It was a thick veil tightly wrapped around my body and I didn’t know how to set myself free. And I needed people around me, I often didn’t even care who, so that I could get away from that darkness. I would do anything I could to try and run from it and hide. It was scary and it was upsetting.
Now? I cherish my alone time. I love to snuggle up with my sweet little kitty and unpack whatever it is that I’m working through emotionally. I use the tools I have learned from therapy and from my energy healing training. I get genuinely excited to face the next challenge that I need to face within myself because I know that’s when I get to shed one more layer of that veil each time I dig in.
I still cry, but now they’re tears of release and healing instead of trauma and fear. I still have grief, but I have learned how to more positively interact with those emotions. I have trained myself how to not go straight to the trauma of losing Matthew that day, and try to remember the beautiful memories he and I had together and be grateful for their existence.
I now have hope for my future instead of holding fear that it will forever be terrifying and painful. Warmth and joy have found their way back into my heart. My body and mind are now learning how to relax again. It’s so refreshing. I feel as if I am waking up after being asleep for years.
Progress is frequently subtle. There can be a lot going on behind the scenes, within yourself, and the outside doesn’t reflect it yet. But then, with time, the outside world begins to reflect what’s going on inside you and alignment happens. The positivity finds its way back to you and things start to get easier again. The pain becomes less acute. Your energy slowly improves. Healing happens. It just takes time and work. But it’s all worth it.
I am so incredibly grateful for the progress that I have made and I look forward to how much more healthy I can get my mind, body, and life to be.