I Stopped Looking In The Mirror

I realized today that it’s been an incredibly long time since I genuinely looked at myself in the mirror. I was never one to spend much time in front of a mirror, but I’ve reached pretty epic levels of mirror avoidance. I began to wonder to myself, why did I stop? The answer: Trauma. When […]

Depressive Episodes

I find myself in the midst of a pretty serious depressive episode. And I find this particular one to be more frustrating than the average depressive episode. This episode is hitting me when things are going well and I do not like that. I find depression easier to cope with, personally, when it’s happening during […]

Emerging From the Dark

It has been a hot minute since I have written anything here. Or written anything at all, for that matter. I haven’t been able to put into words what I have been going through. I haven’t been able to open up about it, either. It’s one part writer’s block and two parts unwilling/unable to show […]

A Moment of Relfection

After having survived my second Thanksgiving without Matthew, I wanted to take a moment to reflect on my journey. The holiday season has proven to be useful in its ability to help me gauge the progress that I have made in my personal and professional life. This time last year, I was very freshly diagnosed […]

It’s a Battle

Mental illness can be so frustrating. It has its own schedule. It has its own rules. It doesn’t care if you’re doing well. It doesn’t care about anything. It just eats at you. I have been doing really well lately (which is a factor in my lack of posts lately, I’ve been trying to just […]

Healing Is Not Linear

If you’re going through a major loss or trauma (or both, in my case), the healing process unfortunately is not a linear one. I’m going to go with a “nerdy” analogy here and compare it to The Lord of the Rings movies. Parts of their journey include safe, cheerful moments. Other parts are intense and […]

Transition is Hard

This week I have gone through an insane amount of transition. And even though it was desired transition, it really took a toll on me. It knocked me on my ass way harder than I ever could have anticipated and I am still trying to shake it off. I moved into my new studio on Tuesday! […]

Trying to Understand the Reality of my Circumstances

Lately I have been feeling very defeated in terms of how heavily my trauma and mental health affect my capacity to function at a level that I am content with. And I came to a realization. A lot of people who experience trauma are able to maintain some semblance of normalcy afterward. That is impossible […]

Struggling to Find Balance

The last week or two, I have been having a rough time. I have been hit with some stress that is unrelated to grief or PTSD. Which was honestly an odd sensation? For so long, my main stress was my grief, PTSD, and the struggle to try to keep rebuilding my life. I didn’t have […]

Progress Can Look Like Failure

For the last week or so, I have been struggling with my trauma. More than I have in a while. At first, I felt really discouraged and it felt like all progress had been lost and I had convinced myself that I am a hopeless cause and I’ll never be able to actually recover from […]